Dreams and Disasters
by bethanunu
Summary: As Moriarty's web is almost taken down, Sherlock and John both have been having more nightmares and struggles as their reunion gets closer. Eventual Johnlock. Rated M for child abuse, drug abuse, suicide and self harm.
1. Chapter 1

Hey guys, thank you for clicking on this and checking out this fic! This is my first full length fic I have written, and I would so appreciate reviews! I plan on publishing once a week, and I have about 7 chapters already written, so I should be able to keep this story published regularly. Hope you all enjoy!

**TRIGGER WARNING:**** Child Abuse**

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_The whip collided once again with his bruised, bloody black, as he cried out so the room filled with the echo of his screams. "I'm sorry Papa! I'm sorry" the young boy declared through his tears._

_"Sorry won't bring your mother back or your brother home!" the older man yelled angrily as he threw the whip down on the ground. With a loud crack, it laid still next to the boy, as the man stride across the bare cellar to a cabinet in the corner. The boy slowly opened his eyes and turned to look at the cuts. They formed an X, all over his black, almost looking like a plaid design. He heard the cabinet doors slam shut, a now normal cue to turn his head back around and close his eyes in agony once again. By now though, his back went numb and he couldn't feel the whips. But he could feel the heat radiating from his father's hands. _

_"Let me teach you exactly who you are. Put you into your proper place in the world." he said, the boy hearing the smirk in his tone. Then, in a flash, he could feel his back again. And it was on fire. He was being braised on his already broken skin. His father knew this could cause the scar to last forever. He screamed at the top of his lungs, tears flowing like the ocean down his face. Finally, after what seemed like an hour, the fiery pain lessened. The pain didn't stop though, The boy turned around and saw exactly what now laid forever in his back: "FREAK", in big capitol letters._

Sherlock woke up covered in cold sweat, panting as if he ran the outside perimeter of London. The nightmares of his childhood are happening more and more since the incident at St. Barts. John was the way the nightmares were fading. But now that John thinks that he's dead, there's no way for him to help. The only person he could reach for comfort is Molly, but she's out at the morgue working. Mycroft, well that wouldn't happen. He left him alone during this dark time, he could never forgive him. He laid his head back down and started to regulate his breathing. Fear has started taking over his brain since the fall, as him and Mycroft take down the rest of Moriarty's empire. They're down to the last five, including his second-in-command, Sebastian Moran. That also means getting closer to the moment he dreamed of but also feared for: his reunion with John. All he's wanted since the beginning is to be back with his blogger, yet he knew things will have changed over the three years he's been "dead". The real question is, why does the abuse from his dad have to do with his troubles now?


	2. Chapter 2

Hello again! I know it hasn't been a week, but I really wanted to get the next chapter out. I hope you guys enjoy!  
FYI their POVs are going to switch. You should be able to pick up which angle I'm telling the story from. Sorry for the short chapter, but the next one will be longer. I just needed to cut this off for plot reasons.

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_"John... I can't stay long." Sherlock said, a tremble in his voice. John took a step toward his best friend, ready to grab him if he decides to jump off. "Stay right where you are!" he yelled, putting his hands out to stop him._

_"Sherlock, why are you doing this? Are you insane?!" John yelled back._

_"Because I am a fake, I am nothing, I'm just a freak." He fell to his knees, tears starting to fall. _

_John was frozen in pain, watching the emotionless machine he thought he knew break down right in front of him. The worst part being that he could only sit and watch; he didn't want to risk stepping forward and that being the step that kills him. Sherlock stood up, gave his mate one last pity glance and fell off the roof. John rushed over to the edge, but by the time he looked over, Sherlock was a bloody mess on the sidewalk below. _

John shot awake sweating, trying to forget the dream he just had. Laying in the bed in his new flat, he almost wished he was back in his room in 221B. But ever since... John couldn't bring himself to even think of the incident. The nightmares were coming back stronger than ever, so bad he even went back to Ella. He knew why they were coming back though. "_It's almost been three years." _he thought as he started to calm down a bit. Three years since that day at Barts. Three years since he watched his best friend fall to his death, try to convince him he was a fake. He shook off his thoughts about Sherlock. His PTSD and depression have been improving recently, there's no reason to sink back into those thoughts. He doesn't want to go back to the way it was those first few months after everything happened.


	3. Chapter 3

I'm sorry I'm late on updating! I forgot to type up this chapter until now! I will post this now and I have chapters 4 and 5 typed up so I can just post those when I want! I'm apologizing now for the feels and the confession John makes...

**TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS**

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"John, you need to let go of him. The thought of him in your life is causing you pain. You'll never get over these problems if you don't let go." Ella said, giving John a pitiful look.

"NO! HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO FORGET THE MAN WHO SAVED MY BLOODY LIFE?" John shouted, nearly screaming directly in her face. Looking into Ella's eyes, he knew the danger he had become and sat back down in the leather armchair. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry Ella. I.." John tried to begin but Ella cut him off.

"John, this isn't the first time you've said that. Had you been having... thoughts between your return and your meeting with Sherlock?"

There was a long pause between her question and the answer, as John opened his mouth a few times before speaking. "Yes." He took one deep breath before beginning the long story behind the answer.

"Actually, that day I ran into mike in the park, that was going to be my last day. I decided to go along and meet the person he said could be my potential flatmate, but I wasn't going to actually agree. I wasn't expecting to meet the genius that is Sherlock Holmes. I told you that day, nothing ever happens to me. Then, he walked into my life and made me interested. I couldn't help but stay alive and meet him. Then that night, he made my life interesting. He made it worth living. Those 18 months I spent with him were the greatest ones of my life of my life, yet I'll never get anything like it again because he's gone! Buried six feet under!"

After holding back tears the whole story, he finally broke on the last word, letting his feelings show. As the tears fell down his face, Ella went and took him into her embrace for comfort. She could feel the stress from all his emotions fading as the tears continued to fall and his back loosened up. Finally, he pulled back and wiped the remaining moisture off his face. Ella looked at him as if he was her son, comforting him like he's just one in her family.

"John..." Ella started, pausing to question if this was an appropriate question to ask at this moment, then decided to go ahead. "Do you think... your feelings for Sherlock... were more than friendship?"

John closed his eyes and thought back to those 18 months. Were those longer stares at him loving glances? When Sherlock grabbed his hand when they ran away from the cops, did his heart raise from adrenaline or love? Looking back, he realized, somewhere along the way, he fell in love with Sherlock Holmes. "Well, maybe, but I'm not gay. Never been attracted to another bloke in my life. Well, not until now."

"Human sexuality is a complicated thing. You may be straight, except for Sherlock. That doesn't make you gay necessarily. It's okay to be confused about it." Ella said, offering a gentle smile.

"Oh. I thought it was just a few categories."

"The heart is complicated thing. You can't put categories on love."

John got lost in a train of thought of being in a relationship with Sherlock. Oh how insane would that be. _"Did Sherlock have feelings for me too? I mean, he said he was married to his work and told me I became a part of it." _As John got lost in that thought, Ella was writing down notes about his emotional episode and wrote out a prescription for anti-depression and anti-anxiety meds. _"Needs appointments twice a month, keep on medication until condition improves."_

"John. John." Ella snapped in front of John's face, drawing him out of his mind. He sat up and gave her a straight face as she tore off the sheet. "I know you hate having to take meds, but you need these to help with your emotions. It's perfectly fine that you don't want to forget Sherlock, and now that I understand why, I want to work on controlling your emotions, so they don't affect the rest of your life."

"If you think this is the best way for me to live a semi-normal life, then I will. I don't want to forget him, but if it continues to cause problems in my life, I'll honestly work on it." Folding the paper she gave him and putting it in his wallet, he gave her a hug. "And by the way, thank you. I honestly haven't let my emotions out like that in nearly 5 years." She smiled at him, gave a warm look, and said "That's my job. It's great to hear that. Hopefully that helps everything improve." He smiled back and turned around to leave the office.


End file.
